Better Than Me — Blood Orange

#365Songs: June 18th

Ninety-nine percent, I know you’re not fine
Now everyone could be mistakenly kind

As with any artist, I’ve been rejected a lot—magazines, publishers, companies. And I’ve sat through hundreds of hours of critiques where my work was on fire. I don’t mind any of that. Some rejections hurt more than others, but after a while it’s a numbing sensation. Sure, ok, fine. Moving on. (Ok, maybe not all the time.)

But there’s a different sort of rejection, the self-esteem kind, the imposter syndrome kind, an underlying belief system built upon layers of shame. Less about unloved or unfinished art, and more about a rejection of self, an anticipation that disappointing others is inevitable, that any failure is FAILURE.

A few years ago, I was also diagnosed with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) — an often-ignored and rarely recongized pairing that exists within those of us with moderate to severe ADHD. Fun, right? Defined as “extreme emotional pain,” resulting from a failure or perceived rejection. For me, it’s more the former than the latter — I think — a re-triggering of that belief system that I’m not good enough to be here, that I’m not meant to live up to my own — and others’ — lofty expectations. The Cleveland Clinic says, “People with RSD are also more likely to interpret vague interactions as rejection and may find it difficult to control their reactions.” Fuckers. I love vague interactions so much, the fuel to so much of my creative life, and apparently it wounds me as much as it inspires me.

When nights alone and nights you’re bored
And can’t resist or miss the chance of
Being who they think they think you are
How long before your journey will end in sweet stone?

Blood Orange’s Dev Hynes has written a lot about gender over the course of his career. Upon the release of 2016’s Freetown Sound, he said the album is dedicated to those who were told they were “not black enough, too black, too queer, not queer the right way.” Standout song, Better Than Me, is about that moment when you look around and realize nobody understands you, that deep sense of failure associated with not showing up quite right, of accepting that you should be rejected.

Walls inside of me that then tell me to breathe
That shake your hand and thank the man for just letting it be
Know my worth and fake the blame
But I know she’s better than me
Wait your turn and change your ways
But I know he’s better than me

Those of us with RSD are people pleasers (✅), always on alert for rejection (✅), fall into negative self-talk loops when in a funk (✅), experience extreme sadness (✅), withhold their truest identity (✅), attempt to be perfect to prevent disappointment in others (✅), and perceive harmless reactions as negative or rejecting (✅). It’s a wonder we can function at all, right?

Why choose love when hate comes first?
And I know they’re better than me
Wait your turn and change your ways
But I know he’s better than me
Ninety-nine percent, I know you’re not fine
Now everyone could be mistakenly kind
Say what you will, what you want
Know it’s not the time that you can

The relationship between ADHD, RSD, and Anxiety is intense, inextricable, and for me, impossible to understand. My anxiety isn’t always present, but it’s perpetually nearby, lurking, watching me. My focus comes and goes, depending on how many tasks I have, who needs what from me, how much time I have. It’s a constant battle trying to be human, especially when so many others look to me to make sense of things — in life, at work, through art, as a parent, a friend, a partner, a son, a brother. I like this Dev quote I came across while researching for this post. “Every day there’s a lot of things I block out, because if I start visualising things, I tend to go completely insane. I’ve always had anxiety issues, and it can totally overwhelm me and suck me under if I’m not keeping focused. I just think and think until I have a panic attack, and then it dies down.”

I know he’s better
And I know and I know and I know
He’s better than me
Change your ways
And I know he’s better than me
And I Know
Better than me
And I know he’s better than me
He’s just better
He’s just better than me

So if you don’t like this post, it’s ok to tell me. I’ll be fine. It’ll just send me into a deep existential spiral of extreme, unfathomable emotions that force me to question my holistic self-worth while likely leading me to never write again. Kidding. I’ll keep writing. I’ll just know that you don’t love me because I’m not worth loving. Kidding again. Sort of. It’s no big deal. Really. I’m fine. Totally fine.

“When people talk about having an episode of RSD, it’s not just a little thing,” explains Dr. William Dodson. “The person can’t function any further. It is a severe, intense, highly impairing emotional experience.”

~

Start following the #365Songs playlist today, and listen to each new song with each new article!