damn — Ada Lea

#365Songs: March 30th

I love stream of consciousness, the deepest rhythms of our most unhinged thoughts during our darkest moments. I caught that bug earlier in my writing life, crafting long winding claustrophobic lines followed by short bursts, breaking it up with a little emotional repetition before throwing down another long thought.

Damn it’s fun to write.
And yet…
Not always as fun to read.
Unless you’re in the mood.
And I’m not in the mood much these days for meandering self-involved over-the-top heavily dramatized long-winded epic novels — once my very favorite thing — mainly because there’s just too much distraction, too many details around me, too many things I need to contemplate and consider, too many other shorter great books to read, too many text messages and emails and Slack messages and Instagram Facebook Linkedin bleeps and bloops, and this old dusty ADHD brain has had enough.

ENOUGH.
Let’s chill with the always-on.
Kill the “I’m typing to you right now” dots.
Just STOP.

That reminds me of being in the wrong place for too long with the wrong people. Bad office lunches with ridiculous small talk; family and high school reunions, which is basically why Facebook exists so that we never have to do that again; conversations that siphon the energy from us.

It’s been a while since I was at the wrong party for too long, but I spent several lifetimes in those places and remember all too well the need to escape. Over time, I became a professional ghoster.

Do it.
To ghost, without offending people, is one of life’s most valuable skills.

Oh, right. This is a post about music. So let’s talk about Ada Lea’s 2021 gem, damn. This is one of the better songs that describes that feeling of staying too long somewhere you don’t want to be. That party where everything is off, everyone is broken, the mood growing darker with each drink.

Too high.
Too drunk.
Too everything.

the year started at the back of a train of thought
facing the elevator in an awkward way
everyone drunk off of their faces, just singing our praises
wanting in on the magic, say midnight on the second floor counting
while you were in the corner joking about
how it would be your last
how it would be your last

when we were outside having a smoke
i heard you asking around, “hey, could you find me some coke?”
every year is just a little bit darker
then the darker gets darker
thеn it’s dark as h+ll
by now you don’t need a good reason
you climb up to the highеst of the trees and
you laughed yourself clean
yeah, you laughed yourself clean

There’s something intimate and conversational about Ada Lea’s lyrics, but it’s in the slow angry and lonely build of the mood that immerses us alongside her. The rising tension, the stream of consciousness, the desire to get the fuck outta there fast.

back inside where the party had started
eyes shut, feet quick, really feeling ecstatic
feelings come then they go someplace
little high, big lows, in any case
a good friend is a good friend, no doubt
but sometimes a good friend ain’t enough to grab ya and pull you out

d+mn the work, d+mn the music
d+mn the fun that’s missing
d+mn the drugs, d+mn the friends
d+mn the phone that’s ringing
d+mn the night, d+mn the party
d+mn the song that’s spinning and trying to lift us up
but it only drags us down
the year started at the back of a train of thought
facing the elevator in an awkward way
made a call from the side room, “hey ma, can i come home soon?”
i’m lying on the floor in the bathroom
i’ve had it with this place, we’re all going insane
i’ve had it with this place, well, you’ve been feeling lost now
living in the background
hanging with a rough crowd
thinking of the times you had it all figured out
now everyone is passed out
blurry on the edge now
empty as an effigy waiting to come down
i’ve had it with this place
we’re all going insane
i’ve had it with this place
we’ve all gone insane

I’m old enough to know that the needs we have sway and shift and change over time, sometimes without realizing it. I love dinner parties, but not in the wrong setting with too many people. I love house parties, but not these days and perhaps I’m growing too old to find myself at one. I love finding the darkest corner of a room with the most interesting people, random conversations, serendipitous encounters with people who become future bosses or collaborators or friends. But when you’re not in the right headspace, when energy is depleted, when the wrong people sponge what little you have left, that desire to flee fast hits hard.

Claustrophic. Wrong music, loud voices, bottles breaking.
Every sound too much sound, every voice a brain rattle.
Every light too bright, every direction out blocked by people looking at you like they need something.

That’s the feeling Ada Lea captures so perfectly with this song. Coke is only fun if you’re the one doing it — and those days are long gone for me — and the falling down sloppy drunks make me never want to drink again. I’ve been this character in damn so many times: too high, too drunk, too lost, too not quite myself, too in need of escaping out the back door to disappear into another party, another town, another life, or just bury my head under a pillow until the light wakes me up and gets me yearning for the promise of another day.

Damn, I miss a lot of things in this life, but this party ain’t one of them.

d+mn the work, d+mn the music
d+mn the fun that’s missing
d+mn the drugs, d+mn the friends
d+mn the phone that’s ringing
d+mn the night, d+mn the party
d+mn the song that’s spinning
d+mn the room, d+mn the street, d+mn the scene listening
d+mn the home, d+mn the dog
d+mn the planet watching
d+mn the mood, d+mn the people
d+mn the door that’s closing
d+mn the time, d+mn the ride
d+mn the drive that’s missing
d+mn the home, d+mn the dog
d+mn the life that’s winning